Friday, October 14, 2011

HELP! I Broke the Baby!

The day we had to take Brennan back to the hospital. November 30, 2010. James and I decided these clothes were bad luck, so we never put them on Brennan again.

 
Wow, I can't believe I am actually writing about this. It was one of the worst times of my life. I don't think I have ever felt more scared, guilty, or uncertain about everything. When I think back upon those days, it still fills me with overwhelming sadness. The tears flow even now.

I didn't realize how hard being a new mom is. When Brennan was born, she developed fairly severe jaundice. For the first two days of her life, Brennan was not interested in eating because she had a lot of amniotic fluid in her stomach and she spit up A LOT. Once we got her home, the jaundice worsened and she became dehydrated. We took her for a pediatric checkup at Arante and they immediately told me (after doing some tests) in broken English that we must admit her to the hospital post haste for phototherapy and IV fluids. I remember sitting in the nursing room trying to nurse Brennan and crying uncontrollably.  This very kind Korean woman was also in there with her baby. She kept telling me that everything would be fine and gave me a baby handkerchief. I was so upset that Dr. Lee's nurse wrote me a note of consolation in Korean and gave me a big hug before we left. She didn't speak much English, but when she handed me the note, she said, "To show you my heart." The first hospital we were sent to, Yonsei Severance Hospital, had no room in their NICU, so we were sent to their sister hospital, Gangnam Severance Hospital. This was an incredibly stressful hour and a half taxi ride hospital to hospital. I cried the whole time. We got Brennan admitted through the emergency room which was pure hell on earth. We waited and waited and waited. I was very anxious because Brennan needed to be fed and there was no where I could do that. By the time, they gave us an empty gurney to use with the curtains drawn, we were called to take Brennan up to the NICU. It was the most heartbreaking experience that I have ever had to endure. EVER. We waited at the entrance to the NICU for a nurse to come get Brennan. We had to pass her over to a complete stranger. Awful. We spoke to the doctor on duty who explained what was going to happen (what tests they were going to do and treatment plans). When the nurse came back out and gave me Brennan's clothes, I seriously lost it. Brennan was in the hospital for three days and I cried most of that time. I couldn't stand having to leave her there. We were only allowed to see her for 30 minutes twice a day. I was not allowed to breastfeed her or even provide pumped milk. We were not allowed to hold her either. When we did see her, I would start to cry. I couldn't stop. Even with all the babies in there in much worse condition, I still was inconsolable. I even cried after she was discharged and I held her all the way home. In the end, Brennan was treated for hyperbilirubinemia (jaundice), dehydration, weight loss, and a urinary tract infection. Since that time, Brennan has done extremely well and is very healthy.

The note from Dr. Lee's nurse and Brennan's hospital bracelets. The basic translation of the note was this: "Dear Amy and James, My English is not good enough to express my feelings. Don't be upset. I hope Brennan is healthy."
The entrance to the NICU at Gangnam Severance Hospital.
In the NICU the day after phototherapy. December 2, 2010.

In the NICU the day we brought her home. December 3, 2010.


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